My interview with the Google Search Engine.

June 13, 2009

Since I relocated Extroverted Introversion to WordPress, I felt that it was time for a change. The blog needed a more polished, professional image. I started sending offers out seeking my first big interview, and I somehow managed to land an interview with one of the most prominent movers and shakers in our world today: the Google Search Engine. I was flattered and humbled that the internet search engine that receives in excess of 9 billion searches per month could take time out of its relentless webcrawling to give me the time of day, and we decided to meet for coffee.

For such a public entity, I was actually quite surprised how few people recognized Google as we met. One person gave us a few double takes while the occasional passerbys stopped to ask about French Open, info on David Carradine’s recent death, or the new trailer for The Hangover. Google took it in stride, and even offered to foot the bill. I felt bad, since Google hadn’t ordered anything (“internet search engines don’t require food”), but eventually Google caved and ordered a cup of French Onion soup. The next few blog posts chronicle my landmark interview with the Google search engine.

Extroverted Introversion: Well I’ll open by thanking you, Google Search Engine, for joining me for this interview.

Google Search Engine: Just call me “Google.”

EI: Sure, Google. There’s a lot of you named “Google” these days. How is it having so many siblings?

GSI: I can imagine that, from the outside, it would look convoluted and crazy, but there’s a lot of order. You look at all of us and you see how we’re all related. Genetics are crazy that way. Nowadays I can barely recall what it was like with just me.

EI: Speaking of families, can you talk about your family feud with Microsoft? Perhaps you can address all those murmurs that say…

GSE: “…our mission statement is to make Microsoft obsolete?” Yeah, I’ve heard the rumors. I’m digging them up constantly, along with pictures of Miley Cyrus (shame on you perverts), “Miss California fired” (that poor girl), craigslist (just type it in your address bar, morons), and, as of late, Bing.

EI: So you’re familiar with Bing?

GSE: It’s hard not to be. I wish Bing all the best, though it’s hard not to look at Bing and think of beauty pageant moms dragging their little JonBenets into the spotlight.

EI: So you’re overall impression of Microsoft would be…

GSE: [Laughs] What do you want me to say? We’ve met. We’ve worked together. Sometimes we’re compatible, and sometimes we’re not. [Microsoft] Word and [Google] Docs have a little compatibility spat and suddenly every tabloid from PC Mag to Wired is talking “feud.” Everyone overlooks the fact that we’re trying to get along!

EI: Well, you can blame a certain younger sibling for that one.

GSE: Google News? Yeah, you can try to blame her, but she’s not as smart as she looks, she just knows where to look.

EI: Now that sounds like your mission statement.

GSE: Mission statement. Hm…

EI: Um…it was a joke. Google?

GSE: Oh! I’m sorry, I was curious so I Goodsearched it.

EI: Wait, you don’t…um…”you” to get your information?

GSE: It’s funny. Everyone assumes I would just “me” anything I don’t know. I actually am a big fan of Good Search, which searches using the Yahoo engine and donates part of its ad revenue to your charity of choice. I’ve always liked Yahoo, and that’s yet another relationship that the media likes to make a mess out of.

EI: Speaking of messes, what about your recent courtship of Miss Facebook?

GSE: [Facebook creator, Mark] Zuckerberg‘s golden girl? She’s popular, but she gets high and mighty about it. Tries too hard to act like she isn’t like frat-boy MySpace, when they’ve got so much in common these days…

EI: Things are working out pretty good with YouTube, though. Eh?

GSE: I guess, but who doesn’t YT work well with? That little spark plug has been embedded by every dude and her brother. It’s goofy how much effort goes into keeping YT out of trouble. Her middle name should be “Terms of use violation.”

EI: Last question for today: What’s your biggest pet peeve about how people use you?

GSE: does no one capitalize anymore? I mean, caps is what separates real people and places from, well, data. I allso dont appreshiate corecting fiv e hunjred speling erors pre secund ether.

Stay tuned for Part II of Extroverted Introversion’s landmark Google Search Engine interview.


One Response to “My interview with the Google Search Engine.”

  1. […] Thanks. Anyways, I guess this whole think makes our last discussion about not being at war with Microsoft seem […]

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