“I’d like a cappuccino with tits, please. Wait, let me start over…”

July 16, 2009

Busty Baristas, on Steilacoom Blvd.

Busty Baristas, on Steilacoom Blvd.

Experience and logic lead me to believe that everyone comes from somewhere. Not everyone’s “somewhere” is truly somewhere. For many, your somewhere is a nowhere. My somewhere, Lakewood, Washington was formerly a nowhere until it became a somewhere separate from Tacoma, a nowhere, in 1995. I love my somewhere, because it has character. It’s got all the fun of Tacoma (voted the “Most Stressful City in America” by BestPlaces.com in 2004), with a classiness that is uniquely its own. How classy is Lakewood? When discussing Lakewood, you may hear words like “s**tty,” “f**king scary,” and I’d rather chew off my **** than spend thirteen minutes in Lakewood.”

Don’t let the praise fool you, though. Lakewood’s classiness has a more…questionable side. When I heard that Lakewood had opened its third bikini

Busty Baristas @ 7501 steilacoom blvd

"You gotta' sell it."

coffee shop, I was moved to investigate. I know what you’re thinking, “wow, what a profoundly progressive city Lakewood is. I’d like to raise puppies there.” Being forward-thinking, however, comes with it’s share of complications. People love coffee, and bikinis are worn by women, so it’s logical to combine the two, right? Well the issue isn’t as straight-forward as you might think, and I’d like to take a moment to really examine the bikoffe phenomenon.

Now, since we are not in Back to the Future II, coffee does not just make itself. At many critical junctures of the coffee making process, a human barista plays a key, if not critical role,

Cafe a latte

Hot Chick-a-Latte, on Custer.

manipulating the grounds into coffee and even providing some light conversation in the process. The bikini barista, however, throws a troubling kink…y snag into what should be a smooth interaction with what would normally be a fully-clothed, coffee serving person. Let’s say I order my vanilla latte, and I’m waiting patiently for her to prepare it. Is it courtesy to ogle the non-bikini clad portions of her body? I’d like to say no, but perhaps the bikini changes the rules. Is it now rude not to look? I’d like to say that you should simply ignore the bikini and act natural, but the simple fact of the matter is that no one acting natural wears a bikini when performing non-bikini related activities.

The small talk situation has an unusual flair to it as well, since you’re not sure how to handle the elephant in the room uncommon lack of clothing. When one finds

Bikini Bottom Espresso, on Bridgeport Way.

Bikini Bottom Espresso, on Bridgeport Way.

themselves confronted with a bikiniista, the first impulse may be a witty comment with thinly veiled sexual innuendo, i.e. “I’d like a hot steamer, and afterward perhaps I’ll order a drink.” In the case of the bikiniista, the impulse is there, but then you can’t assume that just because she’s wearing a bikini that she’s “asking for it.” Being a gentleman, I would prefer not to be lewd, but what do I say? Does the bikini warrant a comment at all? What about the tattoo? Can I mention that? I considered “you must work out,” but, again, you’re being a bit presumptuous assuming that 1) she okay with you ogling her, and 2) she actually does work out. And what if she doesn’t work out? Then you’re making a sarcastic comment that the bikini is not flattering on her “unrefined” body.

"NO BIKINIS," says Annette's Grind

"NO BIKINIS," says Annette's Grind

Surprisingly, the bikoffee concept has yet to gain universal acceptance. There are those who look with scorn upon the noble, yet often misunderstood world of brewing bikini bods. Some call it exploitation, despite the fact that the girls are clearly serving coffee from the safe, enclosed confines of a wooden booth. Others demand to know why it’s only women populate the bikini coffee establishments, when it would be laughably absurd for men to serve coffee in bikinis. I could see a case to be made, however, that the hiring practices of bikini coffee shops discriminate by only hiring women. This likely would not hold ground since, from what I understand, bikibrewing requires certain specialized skills not found in men. This is an unquestionably touchy subject, since down the road from Bikini Bottom Espresso (Nickelodeon lawsuit in 3…2…), Annette’s Grind rages against the bare body machine by advertising “NO BIKINIS.”

As a final note, let it be known that while retrieving the pictures of theses establishments, I saw several patrons drive up to support their local bikiniistas. Most of these customers were women, which leads me to believe that not only does the bikoffee shop serve coffee, but likely serves up practical fashion advice. How will you know whether a one- or two-piece bikini is most appropriate for steaming 2% milk? I kid. If anything, this demonstrates that people want coffee, they will likely stop at the first coffee establishment available to satisfy this coffee craving, and the baristas could be wearing anything from aprons, to bikinis, to live tarantulas.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, Swine Flu Espresso has just opened up across the street and I’m craving a chai like it’s nobody’s business.

“Oh geez! I spilled syrup on myself!”
-Bikiinista A to Bikiinista B
, while preparing my Vanilla Latte.

***12/3 update – With the addition of Hatte Latte on Gravelly Lake Drive, Lakewood is now sporting four bikoffee establishments. Words fail me.***

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6 Responses to ““I’d like a cappuccino with tits, please. Wait, let me start over…””

  1. Kali Says:

    Live Tarantulas?
    Thanks for the wardrobe idea LOL

    Come check us out for happy hour from 10AM til 2PM… 16oz drinks for $2!!!

  2. Ashley Says:

    Um. Yes. You are supposed to look. But don’t bother unless you tip. And ladies, if you get mad at your man for coming to see us, maybe you should say hi to him once in awhile.

  3. Elizabeth Says:

    Bikini coffee needs to be banned. It is discusting, risky for the girls, and also unsanitary. They are not selling just coffee they are selling their bodies. This borders on prostitution. They are asking for something to happen. There are going to be a lot of negative consequences. Driving past one and seeing a bikini shop with most of a girls butt hanging out makes me want to throw up. It does not make me want to drink coffee. Also as a mother I definitely don’t want my kids exposed to these places. The only men or guys that go to these shops are dedfinitely looking for more than just a cup of coffee. These places need to be shut down. Another thing that is ridiculous about this is that the weather is cold about 40 degrees sometimes or colder. I am freezing and shivering in normal attire. Wearing a bikini in this kind of weather is just stupid. The comment about fashion tips for women is stupid considering you don’t need bikini fashion tips in the winter when it is 40 degrees or less. They shouLd be advertising sweaters, hats, jeans, boots, gloves, and jackets. If they can’t serve coffee without exploiting the female body then they shouldn’t be serving coffee because its obviously not very good. I mean how long have dutch brothers and star bucks been serving coffee without exploiting womens bodies. They make a lot of money and they have better coffee. I encourage people to boycott these bikini coffee places. I am sticking to dutch brothers and starbucks where the coffee is good and the service is professional and appropriate for children.

  4. BikiniBaristasRock Says:

    Elizabeth you’re retarded. Im not a prostitute…..I do not perform sexual acts for money…..sorry….and if you wanna throw up at the site of the human body you have issues. Your children will be OK if they see a womans body other than yours which probably isn’t as nice as ours (bikini baristas) Coffee stands get really hot with all the machines and htings called HEATERS (they produce heat in the cold weather) so no its not that bad wearing a bikini to work when its cold…starbucks is nasty and if yo uwork there you are NOT a real barista…it must be hard to learn how to push a button on an espresso machine…we obviously choose to dress the way we do so we’re not exploiting ourselves….if anything we;re exploiting the men who come to us and leave us ten dollar tips….dont be mad because we know how to make mad money! And dont be ma dyou husband comes to see us every morning =)

  5. Kevin R Says:

    Well as a male I think women stripping down to sell coffee is not the problem but THEIR COFFEE IS AWFUL. I tried Annette’s Grind down the street from bikini bottoms (across the street from St. Clare Hosp.) and I have to admit the guys working there are real cool and the coffe is excellent. Plus they have omen working there and I appreciate that thy dont have their butts hanging out when they serve me.

  6. george Says:

    I SAY KEEP THE STANDS, THEY MAKE THE BEST DRINKS AND THEYRE COOL PEOPLE. I CO SIGN BIKINIBARISTAS WHAT SHE SAID! HAHA…AT KEVIN STOP BEING BORING, YOU KNOW HOW THEY DRESS AND U STILL GO, STOP UR BITCHING OR DONT STARE, YOUR LAME & PROLLY DONT HAVE A LIFE BUT HEY SOMEONE’S GOTTA DO, OH & I KNOW MY SPELLING SUCKS, YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND COMPLAIN….BIKINI BOTTOMS IS WHERE ITS AT!


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