Resistance is Futile.

January 2, 2010

We worry about a lot of stupid crap in our society. What makes it worse is that it’s never the right stupid crap. We worry about “global warming,” and the “crisis in the middle east,” and the “fuel shortage,” and “death.” What kills me is that we don’t need to worry about any of these problems, because they can all be solved, quite simply, by one powerful force.

The SkyMall catalog.

Yes, indeed. That seemingly innocent pamphlet chillin’ in the pouch of the seat behind you, next to your illness bag and your emergency instructions. With the flip of only a few pages, I came to the terrifying realization that if one person were to possess all of the items in the SkyMall catalog, they would wield the ultimate power over nearly all of existence. Listed below are a few of the things that the the artifacts of this SkyMall catalog would either destroy or render obsolete. Keep in mind, my memory of the exact items in the catalog is a bit rusty, but I’ll try to remember the best I can.

The SkyMall catalog empowers its holders to control:

Gravity: Trampolines, moon shoes, and even $3,500 trips that guarantee a gravity-free skydiving experience.

Humanity: Literally dozens of robots capable of performing human tasks ranging from vacuuming, dusting, feeding and caring for pets, sorting CDs, and eating children.

Literacy: Clocks which don’t use numbers, pens that read.

Cultural diversity: Pens, handheld devices, and computer program which instantly empower the wielder with bilingualism.

Inertia: Skateboards which require no force to propel the rider.

States of matter: Electrical power grid, and roughly anything smaller than that can be instantly transformed into aesthetically pleasing boulders.

Limbs: Sensor operated trashcans, voice operated coffee makers, indentured servants.

Knowledge: Robot which contains encyclopedic knowledge of human history and English language.

Death: Escape ladder from room, soul-capturing digital camera, Necronomicron ($17.99, $29.99 for authentic human flesh-bound edition!).

Thermodynamics: Countless tools for controlling temperature of everything from luggage, food, and car seats, to hardwood floors and the surface of Ganymede.

Class distinctions: Middle- and Lower-class empowering self-help books, “money saving” home improvement kits, firearms (including a marshmallow gun capable of embedding a marshmallow in an adult male skull).

Metabolism: Rendered obsolete by Hollywood’s secret “cookie diet” allowing one to lose up to 37 pounds a day (chainsaw not included).

Exercise: Belt flexes abs for you, sweater curls dumbells for you, goofy robot tazers your testicles until your lazy ass gets up and runs around the block a few times.

Such power should not be offered to travelers. Imagine if one man held all of that power. He’d be unstoppable, and his house would look incredibly tacky.

“I cannot comply.”

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