“We all got experiences…”

January 6, 2010

I woke up a few days ago and realized that I won’t be able to get by on stealing shadows and selling them on ebay for the rest of my life. My film script isn’t getting done, I’ve got credit card debt because ostrich feet don’t just buy themselves, and apparently a 10% discount coupon for a tow doesn’t count as auto insurance.

And I thought I was in America.

In spite of it all, I do still actually have a job, which is nice. Since I’m proud of my job-finding success, I’ll share a couple interviewing tips that have always worked for me. So all you college grads, soon-to-be college grads, and parolees, heed my job interview wisdom!

Keep your work up-to-date! If it’s been a few years since you graduated, and you’ve still got that thesis or dissertation gathering dust in your closet, think about revising it. Possibly a re-release special edition version with commentary and bloopers. For an extra-professional touch, consider a limited edition holographic cover.

Know your employer. When I was in college, business and econ majors threw the best parties. If you’re interviewing for a business-type job, try to drop a few references to indicate you get out some. A partially faded “over 21” stamp on your hand is a good touch. Try to wear something that has a hint of cigarette smoke, just to show that you’re cool.

Companies like to hire creative people. I often submit my resume in code, to show my potential employers that I’m not only an outside-the-box thinker, but to also demonstrate my creativity. I also used google translator to convert my name into Swedish.

Pick good references. Try to pick those who know you the best and can represent you well. I often write one for myself, because projecting a good self-image is important. Since I haven’t technically ever been employed before now, I asked the guy from Quizno’s to write me one. I don’t work there, but I go there a lot and they know me pretty well.

Include a large photo of yourself. This is particularly effective if you are attractive.

Include information about your service work. Non-profit organizations look great on resumes. I include my band, since we play a lot of shows but don’t really generate much income. I’ve also kept a careful record of everyone I’ve lent money to, and I also ask for paper instead of plastic whenever possible.

Appear valuable. Try to mention how little spare time you have since you’re always busy. If they think others are interested in you, they’ll be interested in you. Also, show up a little late and ask if you can leave early because you’ve got a “previous engagement.” It’s a plus if they think you’re popular. Wear expensive things.

Be memorable. You want to stick out from the other candidates. If you have a tattoo, display it. Consider dyeing your hair something striking. Learn some card tricks.

Be yourself. Trust me on this one. If you don’t, there may be complications later when your name, birthdate, and gender don’t match your social security records.

This advice costs you $14.99. Leave it in my paypal account. The one that isn’t suspended.

“Being a gangster isn’t as much a job as it is a poor lifestyle choice, and being a bounty hunter isn’t as much a job as it is avoiding a real one.”


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