Extroverted Introversion Mailbag #1

January 4, 2011

Now we all know how much I love the collaborative web, and what’s the collaborative web without collaboration? Since a certain post on this blog is both responsible for the vast majority of my web traffic, and has inspired an overwhelming six comments over a mere 14 month span, I feel inclined to respond to my loyal readers. If you haven’t read the infamous “I’d like a cappuccino with tits, please. Wait, let me start over…” post, take a moment to review before we address the readers, who I’m sure have been checking back furiously for months to see their comments addressed. Now, I’m a bit new to this, so we’ll see how this goes.

*ahem*

Okay, let’s start with “Kali,” our first responder who thanks me for my insight.

“Live Tarantulas? Thanks for the wardrobe idea LOL”

Your welcome, Kali. Clearly, my spectacular fashion instinct would make me a capable bikiniista, provided I were female, of course.

“Kevin R.” gives us the men’s perspective on the bikini coffee phenomenon:

“Well as a male I think women stripping down to sell coffee is not the problem but THEIR COFFEE IS AWFUL. I tried Annette’s Grind…and I have to admit the guys working there are real cool and the coffe is excellent. Plus they have women working there and I appreciate that thy dont have their butts hanging out when they serve me.”

“Butts hanging out?” Definitely a red flag, since no rear end should “hang.” I think I see where you’re going with this though: you’re okay with the stripping, but they just need to improve their coffee and do pilates. Got it.

“Elizabeth” had some fascinating observations and constructive criticism to offer. I’ll take the time to address several points:

Bikini coffee needs to be banned. It is discusting, risky for the girls, and also unsanitary. They are not selling just coffee they are selling their bodies. This borders on prostitution. They are asking for something to happen. There are going to be a lot of negative consequences.

Hey now, bikini coffee can’t be that bad. We’re talking about a business that has taken off in Lakewood, Washington, a fine city which was once a part of an even finer city.

“It does not make me want to drink coffee. Also as a mother I definitely don’t want my kids exposed to these places. The only men or guys that go to these shops are dedfinitely looking for more than just a cup of coffee.”

“More than a cup of coffee?” This is true. Most coffee booths are espresso only, and I would not recommend espresso to children.

“Driving past one and seeing a bikini shop with most of a girls butt hanging out makes me want to throw up. It does not make me want to drink coffee.”

Clearly the girl’s butt is too big for the coffee shop, or the coffee shop is too small. Either way, such an absurd lack of design insight would certainly turn me off of a coffee establishment.

Wearing a bikini in this kind of weather is just stupid. The comment about fashion tips for women is stupid considering you don’t need bikini fashion tips in the winter when it is 40 degrees or less. They shouLd be advertising sweaters, hats, jeans, boots, gloves, and jackets.

I understand how the business model may be misguided,  though I don’t quite get how merchandising will help.

“I mean how long have dutch brothers and star bucks been serving coffee without exploiting womens bodies.”

Um, that’s the only reason I go to Starbucks. You think I go there for the coffee? Those green aprons just do it for me.

Ok, ok, I’m kidding. Firstly, Dutch Brothers sells donuts, which is really almost as good as a barista in a bikini. Secondly, I bet if Starbucks had bikini baristas they wouldn’t be forced to give away internet out of desperation, would they?

Now “BikiniBaristasRock,” a neutral party in this discussion, offers a counterpoint to “Elizabeth’s” comments:

“Elizabeth you’re retarded. Im not a prostitute…..I do not perform sexual acts for money…..sorry….and if you wanna throw up at the site of the human body you have issues.”

Your passion is noted, BBR, however it is somewhat rude to insult the near-gymnophobic, individuals with mental disabilities, and those who are unable to correctly identify prostitutes. We’re all people.

“Your children will be OK if they see a womans body other than yours which probably isn’t as nice as ours (bikini baristas)”

Oooh, ice burn! BBR concludes with:

“we obviously choose to dress the way we do so we’re not exploiting ourselves…”

So true, BBR. It’s only exploitation if it’s non-consensual.  Wait, I may be thinking of something else…

“…if anything we;re exploiting the men who come to us and leave us ten dollar tips….dont be mad because we know how to make mad money! And dont be ma dyou husband comes to see us every morning =)”

Sidenote to my wife: I assure you that I do not leave $10 tips to these young ladies embodying (no pun intended) the American entrepreneurial spirit.

“George” makes it clear his allegiance is with the bikiniistas. At least I think he does:

I SAY KEEP THE STANDS, THEY MAKE THE BEST DRINKS AND THEYRE COOL PEOPLE. I CO SIGN BIKINIBARISTAS WHAT SHE SAID! HAHA”

I co sign as well, George. You are now part owner. Go on:

AT KEVIN STOP BEING BORING, YOU KNOW HOW THEY DRESS AND U STILL GO, STOP UR BITCHING OR DONT STARE, YOUR LAME & PROLLY DONT HAVE A LIFE BUT HEY SOMEONE’S GOTTA DO”

Hey now, these are my readers you’re talking to. Of course, you do have a point George: only people looking up bikini baristas on the internet will find this blog post. Kevin, do you have something to tell us?

“I KNOW MY SPELLING SUCKS, YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND COMPLAIN….BIKINI BOTTOMS IS WHERE ITS AT!”

George, the bikini baristas salute you for your dedication to supporting their cause. Next time you go, you should proposition your bikiniista for a date. In all caps of course.

Lastly, “Ashley” resolves my gratuity inquiry:

Um. Yes. You are supposed to look. But don’t bother unless you tip.”

But how will I know how much to tip?

“And ladies, if you get mad at your man for coming to see us, maybe you should say hi to him once in awhile.”

…or they should work at a bikini coffee shop.

Keep those comments coming!

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